forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
