New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
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