I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
me + whiskey = a bad person
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
