who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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