def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
