You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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