Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize