On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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