the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
