I puked a lego.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
