my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize