Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How naked do you want me to be?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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