he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
