Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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