Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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