Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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