i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
