sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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