Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
