he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
