I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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