Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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