Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
