Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize