I think im going to throw up on grandma
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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