I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
