so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
