waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
