The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
