Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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