blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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