I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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