it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
