Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
