My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
