dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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