she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize