cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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