i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
