just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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