My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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