it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
