I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
