I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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