yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So many bounce houses so little time
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
