Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
