so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
