u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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