I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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