i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize