I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
